The Difference Between Making Amends and Making Apologies

This person should have already worked on step nine, so they understand what it takes and can help guide you through it. The amends process either directly or indirectly, it reinforces positive behaviors, your willingness to take ownership of your actions, and any resulting consequences. For instance, step 8 requires you to make a list of everyone you hurt that you sincerely want to make amends with. Then, in step 9, you attempt to make direct amends with as many people on your list as possible.

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While there are guidelines and principles to follow, the specific individuals you approach and the manner in which you do so will depend on your unique circumstances. To work the 12 steps effectively, specifically step nine, you should have a sponsor or someone that has already worked the steps to help you and more importantly be there to support you. Do not try to attempt to work step nine without a sponsor, therapist, or spiritual advisor. Your sponsor can help walk you through this by asking you about your goals in making amends, how you plan to do it, and when.

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We go back to a moment in time and we fixate on the things we wish we had done differently. It makes it hard to remember things that happened before or after. We blame ourselves for certain things that happened – Substance abuse sometimes rightfully, and sometimes not.

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This article explains what you need to know about making amends, with examples to help guide you. Apologies, while they can be well meaning, feel like lip service to many people. Especially if the disease behaviors created deep fissures, or if they are used in place of more direct amends. Remember, this is a Twelve Step process that can provide a platform for healing, but the person we are reaching out to may not be at the same place in healing as we are.

Now, whether it is an apology, a want for forgiveness, or an amends, that person isn’t here and it makes it hard to imagine any of those things are possible. It is different from an apology, which is “a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure”. An apology doesn’t include an action that attempts to make up or compensate for that wrongdoing. That is also a different ball living amends meaning of wax entirely, one that we have written about here. It is very important to recognize that the act of making amends is for you and not the other person.

When he runs out of clean clothes, I don’t lecture or offer solutions. I let him decide if he wants to do laundry at midnight or wear dirty clothes. I no longer interrogate him about his day at school, so I can give my wise advice on how to handle difficult peers.

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Willingness to make amends is crucial for carrying out Step 9 effectively and initiating the reconciliation process. Accepting outcomes and working towards rebuilding relationships fosters closure and forward movement in recovery. Recovery support groups and individual therapy can help you if you are struggling to make amends or accept the responses of others.

• Working the steps has likely made you a less selfish and self-centered individual.
• In many 12-step recovery programs, making amends is an important part of the process.
• Never in a million years would we ever have imagined during our using days that we would one day be able to sit down with the people we’ve harmed and make direct amends!
• We make a promise to pay an amount we can every month and begin on the day we make the face-to-face amends, and we have a set timeline for when all the money will be paid back.

There are a lot of fearful feelings before, during and after making amends in the ninth step. While working step nine it’s really important to understand that the way things feel is not necessarily the way things are. Because we are feeling afraid we assume that this means we truly have something to fear. To prepare for this step it’s a good idea to let go of all our expectations about how our amends will or should turn out. Even though we may be eager to rip the Band-Aid off and get an amend over and done with, it’s important that we are not impulsive or careless as we attempt to make amends!